Something for the record.
Hello everyone. I hope you are all having a good day.
When i first started writing this post, at first i came with the intention of making something more positive. but after some thoughts as i was writing the original i realized that i'm not really in the mood for it as i thought i was. And either way, when i talk about issues i usually have more stuff to talk about in depth than the standard positivity fishing i was thinking about. I do feels that things are going pretty good for me at the moment, the stuff i'm studying in college actually interest me for once, and being abroad has given me a sense of freedom and independence that i don't believe I've ever had before... Things are different and it's honestly rather nice. Although i know this might sound like some kind of out of context rant, it's something i thought was relevant to write down before i go on.
That being said, let's get to the point.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with my head a lot of the time...
First off, i want to make clear that i'm not officially diagnosed with any kind of mental illness at the moment. If i do qualify for any of those i wouldn't be surprised, but i can't really speak for any kind of particular, medically or psychologically specific condition. What i do know is that it has kind of happened for as long as i can remember. Sometimes it's worse than others but the one thing consistent is that it's always just kinda... there. And i can't seem to be able to get rid of it fully. I know this might sound kinda weird, confusing and out of nowhere but i guess the best thing i could do is try to explain it.
Basically, i kinda feel like my own thoughts are a complete jerk to me a lot of the time. And what i mean by this is that it kind of feels like my own subconscious is constantly machinating extremely exaggerated and negative reasons and outcomes for things that i know aren't as bad as i originally thought them out to be. For example, one second i'm completely fine at school, doing my work with absolutely nothing being an issue. Then the next i do something slightly wrong, like a minor mistake and suddenly my head starts giving me several reasons on why everyone hates me, i'm an idiot and everything is going to shit and how that mistake is the first step in completely ruining my life as i know it... And okay, i know this sounds kind of weird but i suppose it's the best way i can describe it. As any person would, i looked up symptoms for it on the Internet to have an idea of what it might be? But i really don't want to reach any kind of conclusion without consulting an actual professional about it. The closest thing i found that was pretty accurate and in which most of the points seem to be in check is an anxiety disorder. Not as in normal every day anxiety but but the "disorder" kind... like i just said. It makes people way more fearful than they should over simple situations, plus some other things like sleeping issues, headaches and occasional panic attacks. All of which i experience rather regularly. (I actually have a headache as i am witting this).
Now this might understandably sound really concerning, but i'm aware of it enough to try to be careful about it as much as possible. It's been kind of working for the most part but i get my moments every now and then. I know that it's been way, way WAY worse in the past and that there's at least no real reason for it to go back to that state again. Despite my head telling me otherwise sometimes. (yes i am aware that referring to "my head" as some sort of separate evil entity sounds like i'm insane but that's genuinely what it feels like. In regards to stuff that happened in the past, i think it's a good moment to talk about that, given how that's why i made this blog in the first place and i have (or at least i think i have) given a decent amount of context on the matter.
As i said before, i can't really remember the first time it appeared... I remember being really sad as a kid but i cannot remember it the way i felt then was similar to the way i do now. One thing i can say is that i have very mixed feelings about my childhood in general. i know i'm pretty young at the moment, but i whenever i think about it just feels like it's been so much longer than a regular childhood.. With several strange experiences. One of the main reasons i think about my childhood that ways has to do with the amounts of bullying i've experienced in several different ways. The earliest one i can remember was rejection from my classmates, who would sometimes make fun of me or reject me because... i never really knew why but at this point i was really young and i can only remember how much i used to cry at that time. I can remember i was pretty sensible kid and cried easily over a lot of things. When things got to me i cried and it really marked some days from me... This was when i was really really young though. We are talking kindergarten to probably 3rd grade. So naturally specific memories (except for a few very vivid ones) are very hard to really recall. After this came another stage with a plethora of different experiences and feelings, and also different friends, but also different problems. As a fourth grader, kids where starting to be more aware of their social standing and so they started to behave differently. More gossip, more complicated drama, all that kind of stuff. But still with that childish demeanor that kids tend to have. I cannot remember what age i was there but with that i can say that things were kind of the same, yet different. I had always been sort of a lonely kid, the one exception and big change here though is that i got another friend who was sorta in worse position socially than i was. So we stuck together and we are still friends to this day, but i digress. In this stage i can recall there being specific people with other ways of making me feel bad. Speaking badly about me, saying bad things about the way i behaved, looked and spoke and most importantly, saying things behind my back... The one thing that has always been consistent with all of those instances.. People speaking behind my back and still finding out, yet not knowing the specifics. I remember a lot of humiliation, a lot of crying and a lot of bad days as well. This was also about the time i've started having issues with performance in school as well. I was always a pretty decent student but then i started to become pretty mediocre. My grades always fluctuated between sort of decent to mediocre, to borderline bad. I can't really remember many times where i was particularly good. And it affected me in different ways. Video games were always an escape from all of that, but that subject alone is worthy of a different post. Getting back on track, things kept being like this, steadily changing with the times and evolving. i started getting more friends, got back stabbed by said friends several times, gave several opportunities, got back stabbed again. That far it was also pretty consistent. There are a few exceptions of this though (who are probably the people who i cherish the most in the entire world) but as far as things went in general, i was always the different one. The one who talked about weird things and who you didn't want to associate with unless you wanted people to think you were a freak like i was. And i didn't even know myself in what way i was like that or why but i just know it was. Whenever someone would be alone, i would see myself in them and tried to comfort them, becoming friends with them and supporting them. So every time the very same people who i tried my best to make happy so that they wouldn't end up like me not only distanced themselves from me but outright started both talking as if we had never even met before plus knowingly talking behind my back always really hurt. A lot.. To this day i'm still really careful of getting close to people. I keep stuff from them while i at the same time i want to tell them everything and it's very conflicting. All of these leading to 10th grade... The moment i sort of snapped and i would say, the worst period of my entire life.
In a nutshell, my grades had reached rock bottom, which made my already shaky self esteem plummet even further down. I started neglecting myself, barely sleeping at all and having pretty bad hygiene. I started getting constant really bad panic attacks and headaches. And at one point, i even started getting some suicidal thoughts which... Really, really frightened me. it's hard to remember a great part of that year but what i can remember in between those blanks spots of misery was intense fear and sadness.. An explosive and terrifying feeling of constant helplessness that kept banging on my head more and more, telling me that because i couldn't things a certain way, i was indeed as the worthless person I've heard other people say i was. That there was no way that someone as stupid as me could possibly get out of school, and the fact that everyone else seemed to be doing just fine while i was suffering confused me. I could not understand how all of it was so seemingly easy and it made me feel even worse. Luckily, at one point i decided I've had enough, and asked for help. At first i was met with some skepticism but i did get to talk to people, see some psychologists and eventually, after a very long time, i managed to get over it. (To an extent) . This wasn't very long ago but i can still feel how bad it was back then, and whenever i get those fearful feelings again, my fear becomes amplified by the thought of being back there again. With that monster that was inside my own head and frightened me more than anything in the world.
But now things have changed and i am here... I still have some lingering bits of my experience in my head but at least i know i'm not the same as i was back then and that comforts me.. at least a little. To be completely honest, i'm not even sure of what i just wrote.. I feel like i was writing about one thing and then my thoughts just went straight back to that one time, so i had to bring all of that forth. All leading to these kind of strange, on and off states of mind that i'm having at the moment. This whole post might have been pointless too, but it's something that i really feel like i need to let all out somewhere. So i guess it's gonna stay immortalized in the Internet for eternity now so that anyone can read it in case i finally become actually insane. Though, one thing i can say was good about the whole thing, is that now that it's gone and i'm somewhere different, i'm feeling genuinely happy for the first time in... a very long while actually. Especially knowing that i'm not in the same state as i was, even when i'm feeling kind of down sometimes. So if you were to get some sort of message out of this, i would first like to say that if you are going through something similar to what i had to go through when i was in school, be very careful and don't let it linger. Tell your parents, your friends, anyone who might listen. and if they don't do it again until they do, but that state of mind, accumulating things until it finally explodes will slowly destroy you way more than it would if you were to try to address it. it might be painful, yes, but it's things that will eventually pass sometime... and you should look forward to it. Hell i'm still trying to do that myself but.. At least i know how wonderful things are now compared to then.. And if i, knowing how terribly i thought of myself then, think about it this way now, then certainly anyone who goes through it will also eventually be rewarded with it. Please be patient but also cautious.
Don't make my mistakes. Good day to whoever reads this, which it's probably nobody but i suppose it doesn't really matter.
When i first started writing this post, at first i came with the intention of making something more positive. but after some thoughts as i was writing the original i realized that i'm not really in the mood for it as i thought i was. And either way, when i talk about issues i usually have more stuff to talk about in depth than the standard positivity fishing i was thinking about. I do feels that things are going pretty good for me at the moment, the stuff i'm studying in college actually interest me for once, and being abroad has given me a sense of freedom and independence that i don't believe I've ever had before... Things are different and it's honestly rather nice. Although i know this might sound like some kind of out of context rant, it's something i thought was relevant to write down before i go on.
That being said, let's get to the point.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with my head a lot of the time...
First off, i want to make clear that i'm not officially diagnosed with any kind of mental illness at the moment. If i do qualify for any of those i wouldn't be surprised, but i can't really speak for any kind of particular, medically or psychologically specific condition. What i do know is that it has kind of happened for as long as i can remember. Sometimes it's worse than others but the one thing consistent is that it's always just kinda... there. And i can't seem to be able to get rid of it fully. I know this might sound kinda weird, confusing and out of nowhere but i guess the best thing i could do is try to explain it.
Basically, i kinda feel like my own thoughts are a complete jerk to me a lot of the time. And what i mean by this is that it kind of feels like my own subconscious is constantly machinating extremely exaggerated and negative reasons and outcomes for things that i know aren't as bad as i originally thought them out to be. For example, one second i'm completely fine at school, doing my work with absolutely nothing being an issue. Then the next i do something slightly wrong, like a minor mistake and suddenly my head starts giving me several reasons on why everyone hates me, i'm an idiot and everything is going to shit and how that mistake is the first step in completely ruining my life as i know it... And okay, i know this sounds kind of weird but i suppose it's the best way i can describe it. As any person would, i looked up symptoms for it on the Internet to have an idea of what it might be? But i really don't want to reach any kind of conclusion without consulting an actual professional about it. The closest thing i found that was pretty accurate and in which most of the points seem to be in check is an anxiety disorder. Not as in normal every day anxiety but but the "disorder" kind... like i just said. It makes people way more fearful than they should over simple situations, plus some other things like sleeping issues, headaches and occasional panic attacks. All of which i experience rather regularly. (I actually have a headache as i am witting this).
Now this might understandably sound really concerning, but i'm aware of it enough to try to be careful about it as much as possible. It's been kind of working for the most part but i get my moments every now and then. I know that it's been way, way WAY worse in the past and that there's at least no real reason for it to go back to that state again. Despite my head telling me otherwise sometimes. (yes i am aware that referring to "my head" as some sort of separate evil entity sounds like i'm insane but that's genuinely what it feels like. In regards to stuff that happened in the past, i think it's a good moment to talk about that, given how that's why i made this blog in the first place and i have (or at least i think i have) given a decent amount of context on the matter.
As i said before, i can't really remember the first time it appeared... I remember being really sad as a kid but i cannot remember it the way i felt then was similar to the way i do now. One thing i can say is that i have very mixed feelings about my childhood in general. i know i'm pretty young at the moment, but i whenever i think about it just feels like it's been so much longer than a regular childhood.. With several strange experiences. One of the main reasons i think about my childhood that ways has to do with the amounts of bullying i've experienced in several different ways. The earliest one i can remember was rejection from my classmates, who would sometimes make fun of me or reject me because... i never really knew why but at this point i was really young and i can only remember how much i used to cry at that time. I can remember i was pretty sensible kid and cried easily over a lot of things. When things got to me i cried and it really marked some days from me... This was when i was really really young though. We are talking kindergarten to probably 3rd grade. So naturally specific memories (except for a few very vivid ones) are very hard to really recall. After this came another stage with a plethora of different experiences and feelings, and also different friends, but also different problems. As a fourth grader, kids where starting to be more aware of their social standing and so they started to behave differently. More gossip, more complicated drama, all that kind of stuff. But still with that childish demeanor that kids tend to have. I cannot remember what age i was there but with that i can say that things were kind of the same, yet different. I had always been sort of a lonely kid, the one exception and big change here though is that i got another friend who was sorta in worse position socially than i was. So we stuck together and we are still friends to this day, but i digress. In this stage i can recall there being specific people with other ways of making me feel bad. Speaking badly about me, saying bad things about the way i behaved, looked and spoke and most importantly, saying things behind my back... The one thing that has always been consistent with all of those instances.. People speaking behind my back and still finding out, yet not knowing the specifics. I remember a lot of humiliation, a lot of crying and a lot of bad days as well. This was also about the time i've started having issues with performance in school as well. I was always a pretty decent student but then i started to become pretty mediocre. My grades always fluctuated between sort of decent to mediocre, to borderline bad. I can't really remember many times where i was particularly good. And it affected me in different ways. Video games were always an escape from all of that, but that subject alone is worthy of a different post. Getting back on track, things kept being like this, steadily changing with the times and evolving. i started getting more friends, got back stabbed by said friends several times, gave several opportunities, got back stabbed again. That far it was also pretty consistent. There are a few exceptions of this though (who are probably the people who i cherish the most in the entire world) but as far as things went in general, i was always the different one. The one who talked about weird things and who you didn't want to associate with unless you wanted people to think you were a freak like i was. And i didn't even know myself in what way i was like that or why but i just know it was. Whenever someone would be alone, i would see myself in them and tried to comfort them, becoming friends with them and supporting them. So every time the very same people who i tried my best to make happy so that they wouldn't end up like me not only distanced themselves from me but outright started both talking as if we had never even met before plus knowingly talking behind my back always really hurt. A lot.. To this day i'm still really careful of getting close to people. I keep stuff from them while i at the same time i want to tell them everything and it's very conflicting. All of these leading to 10th grade... The moment i sort of snapped and i would say, the worst period of my entire life.
In a nutshell, my grades had reached rock bottom, which made my already shaky self esteem plummet even further down. I started neglecting myself, barely sleeping at all and having pretty bad hygiene. I started getting constant really bad panic attacks and headaches. And at one point, i even started getting some suicidal thoughts which... Really, really frightened me. it's hard to remember a great part of that year but what i can remember in between those blanks spots of misery was intense fear and sadness.. An explosive and terrifying feeling of constant helplessness that kept banging on my head more and more, telling me that because i couldn't things a certain way, i was indeed as the worthless person I've heard other people say i was. That there was no way that someone as stupid as me could possibly get out of school, and the fact that everyone else seemed to be doing just fine while i was suffering confused me. I could not understand how all of it was so seemingly easy and it made me feel even worse. Luckily, at one point i decided I've had enough, and asked for help. At first i was met with some skepticism but i did get to talk to people, see some psychologists and eventually, after a very long time, i managed to get over it. (To an extent) . This wasn't very long ago but i can still feel how bad it was back then, and whenever i get those fearful feelings again, my fear becomes amplified by the thought of being back there again. With that monster that was inside my own head and frightened me more than anything in the world.
But now things have changed and i am here... I still have some lingering bits of my experience in my head but at least i know i'm not the same as i was back then and that comforts me.. at least a little. To be completely honest, i'm not even sure of what i just wrote.. I feel like i was writing about one thing and then my thoughts just went straight back to that one time, so i had to bring all of that forth. All leading to these kind of strange, on and off states of mind that i'm having at the moment. This whole post might have been pointless too, but it's something that i really feel like i need to let all out somewhere. So i guess it's gonna stay immortalized in the Internet for eternity now so that anyone can read it in case i finally become actually insane. Though, one thing i can say was good about the whole thing, is that now that it's gone and i'm somewhere different, i'm feeling genuinely happy for the first time in... a very long while actually. Especially knowing that i'm not in the same state as i was, even when i'm feeling kind of down sometimes. So if you were to get some sort of message out of this, i would first like to say that if you are going through something similar to what i had to go through when i was in school, be very careful and don't let it linger. Tell your parents, your friends, anyone who might listen. and if they don't do it again until they do, but that state of mind, accumulating things until it finally explodes will slowly destroy you way more than it would if you were to try to address it. it might be painful, yes, but it's things that will eventually pass sometime... and you should look forward to it. Hell i'm still trying to do that myself but.. At least i know how wonderful things are now compared to then.. And if i, knowing how terribly i thought of myself then, think about it this way now, then certainly anyone who goes through it will also eventually be rewarded with it. Please be patient but also cautious.
Don't make my mistakes. Good day to whoever reads this, which it's probably nobody but i suppose it doesn't really matter.
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